too quickly

i can feel the motorcycle crashing under me
when i take it above 45
a jolt of gravel shrapnel flies from oncoming cars
splitting my gel plastic eyeballs
i can feel myself trip on the stairs in the darkness of the house
i can heard the sound my skin makes scraping every step
i can feel a million other destinies for myself, accidental
there’s no membrane or velvet rope around anything that’s important
no cases
every outcome placed right up against each other
like all the organs of a cell
transparent on a slide

at night i must drink or the panic rises up
it rises up regardless
it’s like a hot iron on my chest
boiling good air back up my throat
i keep panicking
i keep shutting my eyes and myself down
bracing for the unexpected
i have felt so close to fainting
i have been so close to homeless

and yet it goes on mounting
or else quietly uninterested in me
i keep escaping
or whatever you call it when nothing was pursuing you to begin with and
you are just living out your life totally fine
telling yourself to breathe
feeling every sharp tooth smashed through your face
every time you go anywhere
too quickly